I have been practicing a new approach with my Mother and her dementia. A dear friend, who is a University Professor, tells me that trying to orient her to what is “real” is no longer considered helpful. In the past we were told it was a way to help them stay clear or in the present. But new research shows that it only causes frustration (for both parties) because their brain is damaged and unable to process the logic. So going along with them is best and if that is not possible or can create a safety issue, distracting them off the topic is a second option.

This sounds easy but I can tell you it is the most challenging part of caring for my Mom. It not only takes an occasional bit of creativity but you have to suspend all your beliefs about what is logical. You cannot invest in who you believe this person should be. You cannot make it different with memories or reminders…it does not work 99% of the time. Instead you have to join them in what their life looks like in the moment.

An opportunity to practice with Mom  presented itself yesterday when she came marching into my room to tell me something was wrong with the pool construction. As I have mentioned in a previous post, she believes that the pool resurfacing workers dug the pool deeper than she remembered it to be and wants them to fill it in.

So yesterday she started in again, telling me it was dangerous to have such a deep pool with all the children we have around. “They are all going to sink to the bottom every time they go in!” she lectured, her tone angry. Knowing we have no children around, knowing the pool has been this deep for 40 years, I calmly replied “Ok Mom, I will have a talk with them on Monday and get them to change it. How about you let me take you to lunch now?” Mom looked at me with relief and said “Thank you Dear. Then she turned to leave saying “Well now I have to go find some lipstick if we are going to lunch” and marched down the hall to find her purse.