Yesterday, on the eve of Mothers Day, I thought I would find myself happy to be  with my Mom in Nevada, glad for the opportunity to spend time with my Mother and grateful she would not be alone on such a special day. I would be doing myself an injustice if I pretended that to be totally accurate.

I think a few points of reflection are in order to fully understand why the contradiction. True I was grateful she would not be alone on Mothers Day. But the day was so difficult, because of the Jeckle and Hyde experience I had with Mom, that I wished I could have been anywhere but with her.

As usual Mom woke up with the sweetest and most cooperative disposition. She thanked me for everything I did from assisting her to shower, to dressing, to preparing her breakfast. It is important to note I don’t need or expect her gratitude for everything I do. She is my Mother and I do it out of Love. But it is so nice to share time with my kind , funny and thoughtful Mother that I cherish every moment of her pleasant disposition time we share.

Because she is anticipated to be in a walking boot and dealing with a sprained knee for six weeks, I planned my day around outfitting Mom and the house to better accommodate her limitations. I went to the pharmacy to pick up her walker and I successfully instructed her on how to use it. I purchased and installed grab bars in two bathrooms and one by a low step leading from the family room. I bought materials and built a ramp over the steps on the side of the deck leading to the pool.  I felt like I was really making positive progress. But with each project she got more angry and confused so that by dinner time I struggled not to burst out in tears at the table.

It is not important to share the ugly comments, the hurtful things Mom said to push me to the edge. It was the dementia talking not my Mother. This is really the cruelest part of dementia. She would forget one moment she had been unkind the last.  Change is hard for them and the numerous projects added to her confusion compounded by her new physical limitations.

What is important is to send a request. If you know a person who has a loved one they care for who has dementia, who marches though life holding on to joy in the lucid moments and dealing daily with the impossible task of separating the person from the disease; reach out and touch base. Do what I call a “Dementia Drive By”. It can be in the form of a phone call, a text or a personal visit…whatever vehicle you choose. It does not need to offer anything more than a distraction. You can never know if your efforts might just change someones day.

I had a Dementia Drive By last night from a dear friend who called to say she was coming over with wine. So one of my worst evenings in dealing with dementia was transformed. Mom went to bed early and my savior and I sat up talking until all hours of the night. This act of kindness was eclipsed by the unexpected emergence of Mom from her room. She commented that she couldn’t sleep (I am sure because of our loud talking) so we invited her to join us. We three sat and talked and laughed late into the night. When I helped Mom back into her room she was so pleasant and remarked at how enjoyable my friends visit was to share.

Then today, on Mothers Day,  I was once again blessed with a Dementia Drive By in the form of a text from a favorite cousin, who I call my Guardian Angel, offering love and support. All the sadness and tears melted away by two acts of love. I am truly blessed.

The only hiccup so far today was my unfortunate timing in my choice of a Mothers Day gift. A few weeks back, before the fall,  I picked it up. A nice new pair of walking shoes….and so it goes!