So many things are baffling about witnessing someones memory lose because of the seeming randomness of it all. For instance my Mom can remember to wash her hands constantly but makes a huge fuss when you insist she wash her hair. She will remember to retrieve the mail every day but never attempts to open it. If she knows we are going out to meet people or to dinner she is diligent about brushing her teeth, her hair and putting on lipstick. But when I suggest she change her outfit because her clothes are spotted or inappropriate for the occasion she will push back and say things like “Who cares!” or “No one is looking at me, lets just go!”

One of my biggest personal challenges is to try to not make sense of it.  Just to let the memories and habits filter through her without trying to figure out the hows or the whys in each situation. My desire for insight is not for the sake of my curiosity but selfishly for the sake of my sanity. If I can predict Mom’s behavior based on her memory that day, I can try to create some semblance of routine. Then I can bring some order to what at times feels like chaos and when order happens in this household, it is the closest thing to Zen I can get!

The one area where I can count on Mother being almost one hundred percent consistent is when it comes to her personal safety. She never tries to drive her car, even though the keys hang in plain view. Mom never attempts to cook, although we added the precaution of a gas shut off valve so she would not be able to if she tried. She won’t walk in the snow or the rain for fear she might fall. Mom doesn’t attempt to cut things with a knife, except her dinner, or use scissors. She knows her neighborhood very well and navigates it successfully on her walks. However if she is having a bad day or is agitated she will only walk to the end of the cul-de-sac and back. It is as if she intuits that she may have difficulty getting home in that state of mind.

I am not naive to the fact that this could change some day soon, so I am diligent in monitoring her activity in case that day arrives on my watch. But in witnessing all this confusion it does give me some measure of relief that her personal safety is still paramount in her mind.

Now if only I can get her not to wear pajamas on her walks, stop putting the flowers in the toilet like it is a giant vase and feed the cats the food I set out for them instead of English Muffins….well I wont hold my breath, but a girl can still dream!