I can remember the first time I heard my mother say what I thought was a bad cuss word. I was in high school and she and my Dad were going through a really hard time. She was very upset about something and I heard her say “God Dammit!” I was shocked. Previous to this throughout my life I heard her throw out a “Damn” here and there but that was the extent of it.

My Grandmother, her Mother, used to tell me that people who use curse words do so because they have a limited grasp of the English language. My Mother must have taken that to heart because she was a class act and rarely used foul language. (I’m not sure why I take after my Dad on that front as he had a bit of a potty mouth and I unfortunately can fall into that category …Grandma would not be impressed!) So, as you can imagine I was shocked when my sweet Mother threw the F bomb at me recently!

I was in San Diego for a few weeks so as a result we had caregivers at the house helping Mom. She had just come off a week of my sister being with her but there was a five-day gap before I was to return, so we scheduled help. The third morning into caregivers  I got a call from my Mother who was very angry. She asked me “Why the hell do you have this lady here. I want her to leave but she said she can’t unless you tell her to.” The caregivers have instruction to call us to deal with her outbursts, if possible so we are the heavy and not them.

I reminded her that was right, they were hired by us to help her and can only leave if we agree to it. I said “Mom you made an agreement to go along with this arrangement so you could remain at home living alone.” As expected she did not remember any such agreement and insisted the caregiver leave. I asked “Why is it a big deal if they are there to help you? You usually like people around.” Mom remarked angrily “Because I don’t like her that is why!”

I of course knew that was not true so I reacted in a way that I thought would calm Mom down and replied gently, “Oh come on Mom, you have always really liked Gail and you like April a lot too. She also comes to help. They are there with you a lot and you enjoy them” Without missing a beat she said “Well F___ You!” and promptly hung up on me… Ouch!

I was so shocked. I don’t know why but it really upset me! I called my sister, my partner and a friend just to work though the fact that I knew it was dementia talking, but I still hated it….I really did. About 30 minutes later I called my Mom back to check in to see if things had smoothed out and she answered the phone as the Mom I love. She thanked me for calling, said she was excited that I would be coming to see her in a few days and ended the call with “Thank you so much for thinking of me Dear. I love and miss you and will see you soon.”

And the F Bomb was forgotten….it seems by both of us!