It would be a big stretch to say that mom’s laughter is missing completely from our lives, but there does seem to be a lull in the frequency. Her easygoing manner is still present, she wears a smile more often than a frown and mom is still quick with her wit, when she finds it. But a perceptible shift has taken place and although I am not alarmed, I worry that it will be permanent.

Of course it is beyond reasonable that mom is experiencing some melancholy. Although she does not remember where she is living most of the time, she often begins her day knowing she is visiting us in San Diego. It makes sense for her, so accepts and starts her day with that understanding. By evening mom has forgotten her “guest” status and thinks the home she is in belongs to her. So we often just let that be her reality when it brings comfort.

But on some level she knows her life is profoundly changed.  Even if fleeting those memories strike a feeling, and rarely one of excitement or happiness, when she realizes her life as she knew it is gone. No more unescorted walks in a familiar neighborhood, knowing where your clothes belong in the closet, how to put away silverware or find a glass for water. All things that she still had the ability to manage at home and are now lost to her.

To think that on some conscious level she can realize the profoundness of her change is complete fantasy. But I know in her mind somewhere she is coming to terms with change out of her control and resignation is settled in. My fear is that once she grows accustom, that being resigned to her new life will replace being happy.

I imagine there is a fair amount of transference going on for me in this whole experience as well. It might be more accurate to say I mourn the life mom can no longer independently live than she might.  But I wish for her so many things mom will never have again as her dementia progresses.

Seeing those small bits of who she still was in her life being taken from her are mine to miss as well. Although it was past time to move her, the consequences of her move are never going to be lost on me. So it is my mission that what replaces that life is one where she is safe, content, warm and loved everyday. I hope the trade off will be felt down deep, and maybe she can know it was for the best. But again that too would be fantasy.

So we move forward as a family, happy to be together and making a new life. She does seem to be getting better every day and I hope this new life will be enough for her; one my mother deserves.  I guess the look out is for me to make sure my life is lived as one of gratefulness and not worry…. So as not to make the laughter MIA in any of our lives!