I took some time to look back on the recent posts of this summer and the theme is not in keeping with what I was trying to accomplish when I originally started this blog.  I was hoping to stay focused on the lighter and more humorous moments with my mother. To share her sense of humor and keep her personality alive, if only in bits and pieces.

But it seems that task of late is a more difficult one. Rare are the really funny moments with my mom, even though her wit still shows up throughout the day, it feels less frequent. Mom seems to be having a harder time keeping her thoughts organized and focused. She continues to fade before my eyes.

Mornings are always my favorite time of the day however because it is when mom’s memory is the best and she is most like her old self. She is cheerful, appreciative and easy to be around for the first three or four hours of the day (unless you are trying to get her into the shower!).

But dementia is nothing if not predictable and so I should not have been surprised when I had a first with mom this morning. As I was blow drying my hair, getting ready for work, she walked into the bathroom and said I should leave, that she didn’t need me today.  I turned off the blow dryer, turned towards her and asked “Mom do you know who I am?” She looked at me with suspicion and said “Marion?” I replied “No you are Marion and I just called you Mom so who would that make me?” I took off my glasses hoping it might help her in recognizing me but Mother just looked at me for a long while. Finally she said “No I don’t remember you I am sorry” and looking a bit embarrassed turned to walk towards the living room to sit and watch TV.

And just like that my favorite time of the day with my mother, the space I could always look forward to being one we shared in recognition, faded away. My morning of memories just one more thing I can no longer count on thanks to dementia.

Tomorrow morning may be different and the morning after that as well, but in the end it is another beginning to the end of something I hold dear.Like I said, this wasn’t what I was hoping to focus on when I started this blog, but avoiding it is out of my control.