A new realization in my journey with my mother and her constant, and much despised companion dementia, hit me with unusual vigor these last few weeks. It was the recognition of my inability to find emotional peace in my decision to place my mother into memory care. It is not a matter of second guessing or regret as both those states of mind assume a different choice was possible. We had none. Financially the only way to continue to afford my mothers constant need for care was a placement out of my home.

Cruel is not a strong enough word to cover all the bases of what a disease like Alzheimer’s does to a family. You make best decisions for your loved ones care only to be rewarded with emotional turmoil. The constant reviewing in your mind of how you got to that decision and finding yourself boxed in with the realization it was really the only one to make. But almost without exception it is a decision that takes a toll on the family.

In my case it was the heartbreak of handing my mother over to others to keep her safe when I wanted her at home with me.  I promised myself and my mother I would take care of her when she was too old to care for herself. I wanted to do that. But making the choice I did was the only way to truly be able to continue to do so.

I meet families every week in my work who struggle with the same agonizing decision of wanting a loved one at home but not being able to continue to mange the care physically, emotionally, but mostly financially. It is a disease that will change you and break you in every area where you thought you had life well planned and handled. It will take away your retirement dreams, your thoughts of how your family will age together, it will take every last dime you put aside for a comfortable life in old.  It is a disease that will change the course of everything it touches. You come to a place in dealing with Alzheimer’s  where you find there are no good choices, just better ones.

So finding peace while dealing with a disease that by its progression does nothing but create chaos is my newest challenge. For me it is coming to terms with the commitments I made when I was young being reshaped without my permission or my control. I cannot choose what caring for my mother looks like in her old age.  I can only view the landscape and choose a path I think will be the smoothest for her.  But without exception, each step in this journey takes her farther from me, both in her mind and now physically from my presence.

You are supposed to find solace in doing the right thing for those you love. It sounds good but in the reality of dementia solace is nowhere to be found when you do the right thing. In its place stands determination and persistence. They don’t bring the warmth of solace or the feeling of peace, just piece of mind.

To find my solace, like most times in my life, I will look to my mother. Just like when I was a little girl I will hold her hand, look into her smiling eyes and try to make her laugh.  I am grateful to still have her presence, her sense of humor and her love. Even though on her best days she doesn’t know my name, a Mothers touch can still work miracles, even in the face of chaos.