One of the most reflective times of the year for me has become the holiday season, especially the month of December. Ever since my Dad passed away, some six years ago, it continues to be a month of reminders of all those we miss. It is compounded by my Mother having her birthday in December as well, but neither of these celebrations, Christmas or her birthday, can she remember or reminisce.

To add to the reflection, when someone has an illness like Alzheimer’s you always worry that every event, birthday or holiday will be the last you will have to share with them so you savor each accordingly.  Regardless of her no longer retaining memories I still do, so I am grateful that mom is still with me to love and to share in the festivities.

This year however played the cruelest of tricks by presenting me with a very bad cold just two days before Christmas.  Not only did I feel miserable but it kept me from celebrating with family and friends as I did not want to infect the masses.  But specifically it kept me from seeing my Mother. Her getting a cold can have very unexpected consequences as it can easily turn into something more serious in her fragile state. Not only that but I risked infecting the other residents at her memory care home, so I stayed away for most of the week.

I was so depressed at not having my Mother with me but my partner and some thoughtful angel friends jumped in to visit with her so I could know she wasn’t alone and she was loved during Christmas. Some would try to make me feel better by remarking, “Well she doesn’t know the difference anyway so don’t feel bad about it”. But that was small comfort and not really the point, as I fall back into the possibility that this could be our last Christmas together, at this late stage in her disease.

But I accepted the help and considerations of those who could, and stayed away. I cried and felt sorry for myself but did find solace in knowing she was being loved and cared about over the Holiday. I did remind myself that she really doesn’t even know my name half the time during our visits and won’t remember that I was not able to be there.  However that track seemed to make it worse as it brought to the forefront of my mind  all that she and I could no longer share. In the end I was just sad and miserable about the whole situation.

But brighter days always prevail and yesterday I was finally well enough to go see Mom. I was so excited to see her that I was grinning from ear to ear when I walked to the front door of her memory care home just as she was exiting with her caregiver Lety to go for an outing. I called out, “Hey Mom how are you?  I am so happy to see you!” Mom smiled and put her arms wide and said, “There she is” as she approached me for a hug. She gave me a kiss on the cheek and exclaimed, “Where have you been? I haven’t seen you for awhile.”

The look of surprise on my face must have been noticeable because Lety started laughing as I acknowledged to mom that yes I had to stay because of a cold. We sat together on the front porch bench as mom held my hand and asked me all the things a mother would of a child who was under the weather. And suddenly, for the first time in years, I felt a sense of normalcy.

I did not allow my mind to start questioning whether mom really knew I hadn’t been around for a week or had any concept of us missing Christmas together. I just appreciated the blessing of still having my mother in my life and the unexpected feeling that she had created a memory around me. That she really had felt my absence as we sat together chatting, smiling and happy that we finally got to see each other again.

It seems unremarkable I know to most, but I could not have asked for a better gift during this holiday season. I was so grateful to have been given a tiny glimpse back to a time when my mom and I lived apart and would be excited to finally see each other again after a long absence. If only for a few minutes I felt like I had my mother back. More beautiful was the realization that what I thought was one of the worst Christmases in recent memory turned out to give me the gift of one of my favorite moments of the year.

Now that is what I call a HAPPY HOLIDAY!