The mind continues to be a mystery to me every day I live with my mother. Although I have learned to come to terms with much of the incongruity of a life lived with dementia, both mine and hers, I still experience moments of amazement that baffle and surprise.

I had an astounding moment on a recent night a few days after I returned from a vacation where I had a much needed week away from the continuous care of my mom. The caregivers told us that she had a lot of confusion while we were gone but that in general Mom did pretty well. She seemed OK to me but a bit agitated upon our return and was getting up more during the night than usual.

I try my best not to give Mom any extra medications but the doctor gave me names of a few over the counter sleep aids that are safe for her to take on occasion.  On this particular night I was tired from mom getting up so frequently the evening before, so I asked did she want a sleeping pill, she thankfully said yes, and I gave her one in anticipation of a restful nights sleep.

A few hours into the night I heard a voice coming from her room  and assumed she was once again talking in her sleep. I never heard her do this when I was a child but in her dementia she does it occasionally.  It is always nonsensical and scattered. But this time the cadence sounded like it had a rhythm of logic and so I sat up in bed and leaned in, to eavesdrop on her conversation.

It sounded like she was having a conversation with a person to whom she was very familiar. As I started to listen she said “Well no I am not up in Carson right now. I have been gone now for awhile.” Silence as I am assuming her “person” was responding and mom replied “You know Pat isn’t with me anymore. He has been gone for quite awhile now.” There was a pause and then mom replied “Yes I have been down in San Diego visiting Monica for a few months, but I hope to get back up home when the weather warms up.” Silence again and then Mom said “Well it was good to talk to you dear, and I miss you and hope to see you when I get back” Pause then “Oh thanks for calling, bye now.”

I was so stunned by the clarity of her voice, the complete accuracy of her information and most of all because it was like my mom had come back from the abyss and was sitting right there in the next room. My old mom, the lucid mother I remember. I was a bit in shock.

I rushed into her room and called in “Are you alright Mom?” She sat up and as I turned on the light she looked at me a bit dazed and confused. I said “You were talking in your sleep.” She looked at me and said “Yes I just have been because I was just on the phone with Marilyn Hines.”  I replied that I heard the conversation and she said “Oh am so so sorry to wake you, how embarrassing.” I laughed and said “Don’t be embarrassed Mom” hopefully waiting for my lucid mom to hang around a bit longer.

She proceed to get up and walk into the bathroom and I sat on the end of her bed waiting for her return. Mom walked back in looked at me and said “Where am I?” My heart sank a bit and I said, “You are in San Diego visiting me.” Mom looked at me and said “What is the matter with me that I don’t remember that?”, and just like that she was gone to me again.

I agonized for a few days about the fact that somewhere in her subconscious she is learning new things and storing them for retrieval. But storing them in a mind where the conscious self can rarely retrieve then or keep them in order. It is heartbreaking to think she still has the ability but not the access and there seems nothing I can do to help her reach that place. It seems so cruel on so many levels.

My mom is 81 years old and the chance that science will come far enough to unlock her mental mysteries and help her access her subconscious memories is the future that she probably won’t live to see.  Who know, maybe I will?