My mom never fails to make sure that I remember she has severe dementia, even when she cannot. This reminder almost always occurs during a time when I have been lulled into thinking that maybe her memory is in a holding pattern or an even more radical belief, that she might actually be getting better! My wishful thinking is always  ceremoniously crushed by an event that jars me back into the reality of the situation and this time was no different.

I was in my contented state of “all is good”, as mom had been so interactive, was doing a great job of being comfortable in the present and was cooperative and friendly with the caregivers.  My hint that this was just one of her ebbs in the poor memory flow should have been when she started asking when she was going home.

Now in my defense I always look at that as a good thing, as it lets me now she is aware of her surroundings.  It is much easier to deal with than when she thinks the house we are in belongs to her and she proceeds to lecture me about leaving lights on and wasting HER money as a result. People with dementia are often sensitive to light so if mom had her way we would be in near darkness almost every night!

But as it turns out her asking when she was going home was a sign of increasing agitation. It played itself out in full blown anxiety when I heard mom get up and come out of her room at about 2:30 a.m.  I got up to see her standing in the hall with a small white pillow tucked under her arm like a purse.

When I asked mom what she was doing she replied very urgently “Where is my car, she is waiting for me in there!” I tried to calm her down as she started walking toward the living room with my standard “Mom you just woke up in the middle of the night.  You are here in San Diego visiting me.  It is me Monica.” This almost always works to get her oriented to where she is but this time she was having none of it.

Mom continued marching toward the living room, placing her small pillow/purse on each chair as she passed by, then picking it up all the while continuing to ask me where her car was. I reminded her that her car was in Carson City and she was in San Diego but she insisted she needed to look for it.  She walked to the front door and asked me to open it for her explaining “She is waiting for me in the car to leave!”

These are the times you flash through all sort of concerns and scenarios, i.e., neighbors seeing us standing around in the front yard in our pajamas, my mother mumbling around with a little pillow tucked under her arm. My mother bolting down the street in search of her car with me in tow wearing no shoes and, more horrifying for me, no bra! The possibility that I could not convince my mom to go back in the house and the prospect I would be wandering the streets for a time trying all manner of logic to redirect her back inside.

But, I threw caution to the wind, as she had never insisted I let her go outside at night before,  unbolted the door and followed her out to the driveway where our cars were parked. Mom tried the door on my truck only to find it was locked and then moved onto my work car. To my chagrin I had left the door unlocked and she promptly opened it and placed her pillow/purse on the passenger seat all the while mumbling that this wasn’t the car she was looking for, stating “Well this sure isn’t it.”

I stood back and watched her proceed to pick up each and every piece of trash off the floorboards and basically clean and tidy my entire car before she finally asked me to come over. Mom handed me the trash to throw away and finally she looked convinced and a bit relieved. She picked up her pillow/purse, put it under her arm, thanked me for letting her look for herself and followed me back inside.

As we walked back to her room mom seemed astounded that her car was not out front and said that I was right and apologized for waking me. I told her it was no big deal but she had a look of real  concern and said “Thank goodness you were here, I don’t know what I would have done if you weren’t.” I of course didn’t bother to repeat all of my imagined scenarios. I just laughed and told her to try and get some sleep.  I was just happy we avoided any and all of them!