I often hear comments from my family and friends that I am an Angel or a Saint for bringing my mother into our home and providing the personal care on her behalf.  To be honest the praise often makes me uncomfortable, and certainly I feel it is exaggerated. I am far from saintly and angelic in my dealings with my mother. I am so close to the pain of losing her that my frustration and feelings of loss often can exacerbate a situation. Sometimes I think  our hired caregivers, who are less invested, react more effectively than I do with my Mom.

I mention this because I am surprised that comments of praise come almost as frequently as comments, or should I say confessions, of guilt. Many of my friends and acquaintances have a parent with dementia, or who need assistance, and a few have admitted that watching me care for my mom makes them feel ashamed, that they are not doing the same for their parent. They profess a sense of guilt or feeling selfish, that their parent is in a facility or being cared for by strangers. It is confessions like these that break my heart.

My sharing moments with my mother was intended to bring humor to a difficult time, give others in like situations a place to visit and maybe an opportunity to relate to a shared experience. But mostly I chose to write about it to shed light on the challenges families face every day as they witness a parent so dear to them disappear, bits at a time.

So in highlighting those challenges I think it is important to make certain we honor the differences as well as the similarities. Caring for an aging parent in your home, especially one with dementia, is not for everybody. Every parent’s demeanor, care needs and circumstances are different. As a result, for some who wanted to care for their parent at home, it would not only be impractical, but often put their parent at more risk to try to do so. I believe our situation is more unique than common, that we are able to have my mother with us rather than in a memory care facility. I find it strange, given the difficulty of the situation, to admit I do feel lucky that we are able to care for Mom in our home.

The other differentiator is having the fortitude to be able to actually provide the care your parent needs.  This is not intended as a judgement, that if you don’t have the strength you have a weakness.  It is a matter of composition; your make up.  Some people are good caregivers in some situations and not in others . Trying to force yourself to be all things, to meet all of life’s challenges without assistance, will guarantee a life filled with guilt and regret.

Sometimes the greatest gift you can give someone you love is humility. Having the courage to admit what is in their best interest is not the personal care you provide, but the love and intention behind making sure they receive the care they deserve.