When I was in my early forties I had a period of about six months where I could not fall asleep because each night, as I lay there in bed, the dread of how devastated I would be if my mother died would sneak into my consciousness. I remembering it feeling so awful as I would perseverate on why this thought kept creeping into my mind and imagining it foretold an impending doom about to befall my poor mother.

My first clue that I was not experiencing a blooming talent of clairvoyance materialized when the following six months found me lying awake obsessing on how we could possibly be inhabiting the same space on this earth as did the dinosaurs. I could not stop thinking about how they lived for almost  200 million years and now there are none and humans weren’t even created/in existence for another 66 million years after the dinosaurs died out! Clearly the impact of this realization did not resonate with me at a more appropriate time, like in the fifth grade!  I was probably too busy passing notes to my friends under the desk.

It is funny to me now that I had that odd year of sleep deprivation over two of the most random topics. But I can still remember the dread of imagining hearing that my mother had died and how I would react and how devastated I would be! My how life gives you a chance to see things from a different perspective, if you just give it enough time. Who knew the thought of her dying would one day feel like her being released from a prison not of her making.

It would be prudent here to explain that the last thing I am implying is that I wish for my mothers passing anytime soon. In fact I saw her just this morning and her smile was so beautiful and her laughter so bright. I walked onto her floor at the Skilled Nursing facility and mom’s physical therapists were walking her down the hall to get her strength up. She was singing and smiling to everyone as they walked past. It really made me happy to see my sweet mother doing so well.

But I would also be less than genuine if I did not admit that a new fear has now crept into my consciousness. I have a new worry that keeps me awake at night, sometimes making sleep difficult and often bringing tears to my eyes.  It is the thought that my mothers healthy body will continue to outlive her mind, far after there is little left of it to enjoy.

Alzheimer’s is such a cruel disease. The brain can completely deteriorate into nothingness but leave behind a body that breaths and a heart that beats.  The limbs contract, the eyes may no longer see and the ears lose the ability to make sense of the noises. I see it every week in my work, my heart breaks for these people and it chills me to imagine this one day could be my darling mothers fate.

Mom long ago told me that her biggest fear was to lose her mind.  She shared with me when I was very young that she could imagine any challenge but that one and hoped a quick release from that type of a life were it to happen.  How sad it is to know there is nothing I would be able to do to help her avoid that existence, if she actually does live long enough to move into that phase of the disease.

Time does have an interesting way of creating a new perspective.  Who would ever have guessed that imagining my mothers death, that once created fear and thoughts of devastation, now years later would be considered a gift to spare my mother from that end of life expereince.

But like all phases of her Alzheimer’s I have witnessed, as we journey through this together, we do not get to pick which one will be her last. Mom will continue to move through to the next place in her dementia and with each step into decline, I will honor her wishes and hope each next one will be the last. A new perspective as unimaginable to me in those long ago sleepless nights as 200 million years of dinosaurs.  Hard to believe what time can do to life and how powerless we are to change it. Harder still to accept it….