Since my father died in 2012 I have spent the past six years, with the help of my partner, brother and sister, managing my mothers care. First we remotely monitored her care as we all three lived in different cities than my mom. Then I moved up and lived with her for a period of eight months to try and determine the feasibility of keeping her at home but so far from our watchful eyes. Of course that presented the inevitable decision to have to move her down near me so I could better manage her care.

My original intention was to move my mom into an assisted living facility. So I contacted a national placement agency (which will go unnamed) and they did the most impersonal job of attempting to place my mother. They literally spent two hours on the phone with me doing a needs assessment, then sent me a list from the internet of 16 places to look at, half of whom did not specialize in dementia and the other half that did no accept her dog Timmy. It was such a stressful process, and one in which I could have used some serious hand holding. It was culminated by my making a choice, taking my mother in for an introduction and when she realized what was happening looked at me, started to cry and said I was giving her away. She said that she thought I had promised I would always take care of her.

I wrote a blog on that one because it literally was one of the worst days of my life. I never did move her into assisted living but promptly set her up in our tiny home and she lived with us there for two and one half years. In that time I changed jobs twice, mostly to try and find one that could accommodate my new living situation with caring for my mom and have some flexibility to work from home. Then the miracle of being asked to partner in a new business with an acquaintance of mine fell into my lap about a year ago. She asked would I like to start a placement agency with her to assist families in moving their loved ones into assisted living and board and care ohomes. Bingo! It was like the universe gave me the best gift I could have asked for, a perfect fit at something I knew very well.

So one year later I love my job as it has to be the most fulfilling thing I have ever had the pleasure of doing. To connect each day with those who are at a crossroads of which I am all too familiar, especially when it comes to the heartbreak of placing a loved one with dementia, has been the greatest honor of my life. It feels as if everything has led me to this time in my life. I am so grateful.

So it came as a bit of surprise, that after my mother’s last big fall and her five weeks in skilled nursing which precipitated a serious mental decline for her, that I agonized once again about placing her in a memory care facility instead bringing mom home. Just like those I help everyday I could hardly imagine letting her be under someone else’s watchful eye. But just as I counsel my families, I had admit to myself that it was time.

Two weeks today have passed since I placed my mother into memory care. Some families place and the are off to take the much needed respite that they are entitled too. I placed my Mom one half a mile from my office and two miles from my home so that I can see her at least once if not twice a day. I knew this next phase was going to be one that I was going to have a hard time handing over, so having seen how it worked with other helicopter daughters I wanted the flexibility to get to her quickly and often.

Since we have placed Mom people ask are you relieved and don’t you feel your stress level has gone down? To be honest, yes I am relieved she is safe and well cared for but no my stress is not totally gone. It is an adjustment to not have her here with us and that ads a new dimension of worry. I am not there to hold her hand in the middle of the night and calm her fears when she wakes up from a nightmare. I am not there to hug her when she cries and gets confused about where she is and asks why she doesn’t have any memory. I am not there to laugh with her and enjoy all her sarcastic comments and funny ways. I miss her even though she is close by.

But I am also not there to have to do the toileting, the bathing, the dressing, the medication management and the daily worry of being home all the time and having only a few four hour blocks of time each week to enjoy private time. For that I selfishly am grateful to hand that over to those who are their own angels for choosing that profession and giving me the gift of being just her daughter again.

Our next phase has come to pass and the adjustments for me are as difficult as those I witness in the families that I assist on this same journey. We walk hand in hand to try and make the best decisions, while also balancing the interest of our loved ones with those of our own lives. It truly is one of the few times you experience heartbreak and relief all in the same moment in time.

When my mother sees me walking up at her memory home, she typically reaches out to me and says “Thank God you are here! Have you come to take me home?” I lie and say of course I am and I see relief pass over her face. I hold her hand and we walk up to her room and sit together. I tell her about my day she pretends to understand what I am talking about, then when it is time to leave I tell her I will see her tomorrow. She surprisingly says ok and thanks me for coming, having long forgotten she is in a new home, and off I go without the dramatic separation I so feared she would experience when she sees me leave. It really is ok.

Some days have been easier than others. One day this week she had no idea who I was at all. I went back a second time just to see if it would be a better day and still she had no memory of me. It’s to be expected and yet it still hits me a bit in the heart on the days it happens. But in the end this next phase is taking the predicted path and it is one we just have to follow.

Some of the steps will be lighter than others but in the end we have no choice but to move forward. So much to be grateful for and if I can just keep that as my focus Mom and all of us who love her will be just fine. Another lesson to share with other families and another step in my own families journey with Alzheimer’s. I can look at it is a gift, to be able to empathize with others. But to be honest, this is one gift I can truly say I would give back to the universe in a hot minute. If only it would take it….