I want to be a multi-millionaire. There, I said it. I think it everyday. Okay, maybe not everyday, but most days of my life. Most certainly when I buy lottery tickets I do try to manifest it. I ask the Universe to make me the mega winner so I will have a flood of money to make my dream come true.

At the risk of sounding greedy, I want to note that I said “dream” not the plural. I truly consider my life gifted. I have a loving relationship, a supportive and beautiful extended family, a posse of amazing friends, a job I love and my health. What more should a reasonable person want or need?

Well without hesitation my answer is clear and simple. My one dream, my biggest wish is to have my mother still living with me, in my home, with my being able to afford the cost of 24 hour care. It is only a wish and not a reality because for me, like thousands of other families, I am not a top 5% income earner who can make 24 hour care at home a reality.

This is not a statement of condemnation to compare the fortunes of the haves and have nots. It is not intended to be a “poor me” comment on how the world is not fair and pontification of how it should look different. I am simply giving a voice to the many who share my experience in the caring of a parent or loved one who have dementia.

Like many people I encounter in my work every day, ever since I was a young woman, I too promised my Mother I would care for her when she was old. I could have no idea that Alzheimer’s would take over our lives, not just emotionally but financially, and alter my ability to fulfill that promise in such a significant way. I had no clue the ramifications such a disease could have on our family.

The costs of caring for a family member with dementia, in most cases, far exceeds the financial plans that most families can put into place for their old age. To compound the issue, 24 hour care is almost always required for people suffering with dementia, to keep them safe. The monthly cost for licensed care in the home is between $15,000 to $18,000 a month. This reality forces most to choose memory care or board and care homes as a more affordable alternative.

Our family is in that boat of those who cannot afford such a significant expense to keep my mother in our home. So she lives in a board and care setting where she is safe and well cared for. Ironically, I make my living making these type of connections for other families in similar circumstances and I am grateful to be able to be of assistance.

But that gives me little comfort where my own mother is concerned. It was the greatest joy of my life when I was able to have her in my home and we could manage her care financially for two and one half years. But when her care needs got higher and we could no longer meet her needs without hiring more help, it became untenable. So we had to make the move to a memory care outside of our home.

So days like today are my new normal, for almost a year now. I picked my mom up to bring her to my house for an early dinner. This occasion was to celebrate Easter with family. When I arrived, she was all smiles and so happy to see me. We drove to my house where we spent several relaxing hours before it is time to take her back to her place. I dropped her off with therapeutic lies of where she is (her new house)and when I will be be back (in a few hours), knowing she will remember neither explanation, or that I was even there, five minutes after I leave. Yet every time I walk away, I feel the mixed emotion of feeling guilty for not being able to keep her with me and relief at knowing she is cared for in a safe environment.

But what never changes is my feeling of failure. I feel I failed at not being so wealthy that I could afford to have my mother with me at home. I wish I had invented a crucial widget, written a best selling novel or coded an indispensable app that is on every cell phone. Anything that would have given me the resources to have her with me at home until the end of her days.

Because the truth is that commitment I made so many years ago, the one where I promised to care for my mom in her old age, was one I so wanted to honor. It goes without saying that my mother is one of my favorite humans. A woman I love today, even though she some days has no idea who I am to her, the same as I have since childhood. She is my touchstone, my laughter and my role model. I miss having her in our home, saying goodnight and good morning each day. I regret that others get the honor of caring for her when it was mine to give.

Intellectually I know I am caring for my mother the best I can, even though it was not as I had hoped or maybe in a way that either of us had planned. But my heart will forever regret that it was not my honor to be able to care for my mother, in my home, each and every day….. until the end.